Feedback can be hard for school Heads to listen to. Not because it isn’t valued, but because it can summons things inside that you would rather keep at bay. Shame. Defensiveness. Anger. Self-doubt. The impulse to withdraw, explain or regain control.
As Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen remind us in Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, “Feedback isn’t just information. It’s information about us, and that’s why it’s so hard to hear.”
Not all feedback summons uncomfortable monsters. Sometimes it awakens pride. Relief. A sense of being seen. These, too, are monsters of a kind. Warm, affirming and quietly powerful in how they shape our behaviour and beliefs. Positive feedback can steady us, but it can also unsettle us. Praise can feel fragile. Validation can raise expectations. Warmth can create pressure to live up to a version of ourselves we aren’t sure we can sustain.
The challenge is that we rarely talk about either side of this emotional spectrum. When opinions are solicited in schools, whether through surveys or conversations, feedback rarely arrives as neutral data. It quickly gets tangled up with our identity. A parent’s concern can feel like a judgement on our values. A teacher’s frustration can feel like a verdict on our leadership. A student’s honesty can unsettle the story we tell ourselves about the school we are trying to build. These reactions are not leadership failures. They are human responses to exposure.
In our work with school Heads and their teams around the world, one pattern appears again and again. Effective leadership is not only about deciding what to do next. It’s about taking the time to listen, particularly when listening activates the monsters inside us. The challenge is staying present when something in you wants to defend, fix, dismiss or move on quickly.
Many Heads learn to respond fast when feedback arrives. They clarify. They reassure. They explain context. They take action. Sometimes this is necessary. Often, though, speed is a way of escaping discomfort, whether that discomfort comes from criticism or from being seen too clearly. But when feedback is rushed past, it doesn’t disappear. It lingers. It resurfaces later as distance, mistrust or suspicion. The issue is rarely the feedback itself, but the unacknowledged reaction it triggered.
Naming and taming the feedback monsters matters. Until these reactions are noticed, they quietly shape how feedback is heard, interpreted or avoided. Feedback cannot be separated from emotion; ignoring the emotional response, whether pleasant or painful, only gives it more power.
Over time, leaders who learn to meet their own monsters differently change how feedback is experienced across the school. Not because they agree with every critique, but because they can listen without collapsing, retaliating or clinging too tightly to affirmation. Others sense this. They speak more honestly. They take fewer precautions. Feedback becomes less charged because it no longer has to fight to be heard. Schools will always generate feedback that stirs emotion, because schools are complex, human places. The question isn’t whether feedback will summon monsters. It’s whether leaders are willing to notice the ones it summons in themselves and stay present long enough to learn from what people are really trying to say. To explore these feedback monsters more concretely, scan the QR code below.